The first day was difficult. There was little care or art in the food I cooked, but instead a wish to merely fill my face with as much protein as possible so that I could think about something other than food.
It didn’t really work. You see, eating a single food group on repeat is a largely unsatisfying process. A plate groaning with chicken livers (cooked in sherry vinegar, onion and garlic) with herbs, chopped gherkin, low-fat yoghurt – vile stuff if you ask me – and sprinkled with smoked paprika sounds decent enough, but was crucially missing bread or, say, something green and crunchy. It wasn’t a complete dish.
That was lunch. Thenceforth the day became increasingly feral, culminating in what can only be described as the most depressing burger ever cooked, a great cowpat of minced beef flip-flopped in a pan and eaten with all the enthusiasm of a polar bear with a carrot.
Oh, and I didn’t mention breakfast. Dukan insists on a tablespoon and a half of oat bran a day. I omitted to beat around the bush and just chucked it onto a blob of yoghurt, in one fell swoop discovering the root of the bad breath side effects of the regime.
The next two days, happily, were more than bearable. Man can withstand plenty of horrors as long as he is allowed tea and coffee, not to mention endless, ambrosial diet cokes. Believe me, when there is no sugar in your diet and no grog to boot, a glass of diet coke, ice and a slice is an incomparable treat.
I’ve eaten oysters, crayfish tails squidged with lemon juice, shallot and tarragon-spiked oatbran pancakes with smoked salmon (see photo), a sirloin steak with a chicken liver and sherry vinegar gunge – like a Dukan steak Rossini – and a ham hock hash with a fried egg.*
This last one I’m not sure about. Dukan forbids pork but allows ham. In fact he forbids pork but later allows “low-fat ham, sliced low-fat chicken, and pork”. Confused? Me too. I ate through it.
So this is day four. Thoughts so far in brief:
Positives
- Belly smaller (belt looser and buttons on overcoat less, erm, strained)
- Scales don’t creak so much (and are either broken or show considerably less weight)
- Sleeping like a BABY, despite all the caffeine (though dream of food all night. Possibly reason for baby-like sleep. That or no booze.)
- Feel relatively sharp-brained, despite warnings
- Breath yet to start smelling like a jouster’s armpit, despite warnings
Negatives
- Regularity an issue, as predicted (despite vast amounts of coffee)
- Occasional bouts of short-temper (oddly spikes when people give half-informed advice on dieting, hmm)
- A general lack of fulfilment, though I maintain self-discipline is good for the soul
Of course the positives are only really relevant if I can keep this up. Dukan isn’t a fad diet in the traditional sense, in that it is a prolonged commitment, not a quick fix. It only becomes a fad diet if you give up after part one. Phase two, I fear, will be the hard bit. Stand by for a meltdown.
* It should be mentioned at this point that this is not the cheapest diet. You could try existing on value ham but I’d wager you’ll last about 36 hours before giving up. Better to make what you do eat as pleasurable as possible. Furthermore, depending on what sort of lifestyle you lead, of course, cutting out alcohol should save you a fair amount of money, as will the inevitable lack of jollies to eat out.
Can’t be arsed with a preamble. Too much to do. This recipe rocks and is Dukan-friendly etc.
