Turns out I’m half American. I already knew that but it’s something I used to pretend I didn’t. There was a time when being half American was something you kept quiet – like having a third nipple, or a verruca, or your family locked in the basement. But then a year ago Obama was made president, and all of a sudden I was proud of my roots. OK, I didn’t go all-out, Randy-style nuts, but I was proud of my half-people – proud that they had proved the stereotype wrong, and so I put on some weight and got real stupid for a while to celebrate. ‘Cause I’m one of them now.

A year later and my cousin Gep is staying at my parents’, and I have an urge for pancakes – thick, sweet, doughy pancakes, drowned in maple syrup. They take approximately 4 minutes to make and even less time to eat. I would have put some chopped blueberries in the batter, but, alas, we had none.

Serves 4 fat Americans

300g self-raising flour
4 tablespoons caster sugar
2 eggs, beaten
300ml milk
Butter
Maple syrup
Bacon

Preheat the oven to 60C.

Mix the flour and sugar in a large bowl (sieve the flour first if you can be arsed – at 8 in the morning I can’t, frankly).

Stir the eggs into the milk, then make a well in the centre of your flour and pour in the wet mix. Stir until fully combined, but don’t overwork the batter.

Melt a little butter over a medium heat in a non-stick frying pan, and add a couple of tablespoons of the mix. Fry for a couple of minutes, turn and fry for another minute or two. Keep warm in the oven while you make the rest of the batch, before serving with maple syrup and bacon. God bless America.

4 days to go until challenge week