The first day was difficult. There was little care or art in the food I cooked, but instead a wish to merely fill my face with as much protein as possible so that I could think about something other than food.
It didn’t really work. You see, eating a single food group on repeat is a largely unsatisfying process. A plate groaning with chicken livers (cooked in sherry vinegar, onion and garlic) with herbs, chopped gherkin, low-fat yoghurt – vile stuff if you ask me – and sprinkled with smoked paprika sounds decent enough, but was crucially missing bread or, say, something green and crunchy. It wasn’t a complete dish.
That was lunch. Thenceforth the day became increasingly feral, culminating in what can only be described as the most depressing burger ever cooked, a great cowpat of minced beef flip-flopped in a pan and eaten with all the enthusiasm of a polar bear with a carrot.
Oh, and I didn’t mention breakfast. Dukan insists on a tablespoon and a half of oat bran a day. I omitted to beat around the bush and just chucked it onto a blob of yoghurt, in one fell swoop discovering the root of the bad breath side effects of the regime.
The next two days, happily, were more than bearable. Man can withstand plenty of horrors as long as he is allowed tea and coffee, not to mention endless, ambrosial diet cokes. Believe me, when there is no sugar in your diet and no grog to boot, a glass of diet coke, ice and a slice is an incomparable treat.
I’ve eaten oysters, crayfish tails squidged with lemon juice, shallot and tarragon-spiked oatbran pancakes with smoked salmon (see photo), a sirloin steak with a chicken liver and sherry vinegar gunge – like a Dukan steak Rossini – and a ham hock hash with a fried egg.*
This last one I’m not sure about. Dukan forbids pork but allows ham. In fact he forbids pork but later allows “low-fat ham, sliced low-fat chicken, and pork”. Confused? Me too. I ate through it.
So this is day four. Thoughts so far in brief:
Positives
– Belly smaller (belt looser and buttons on overcoat less, erm, strained)
– Scales don’t creak so much (and are either broken or show considerably less weight)
– Sleeping like a BABY, despite all the caffeine (though dream of food all night. Possibly reason for baby-like sleep. That or no booze.)
– Feel relatively sharp-brained, despite warnings
– Breath yet to start smelling like a jouster’s armpit, despite warnings
Negatives
– Regularity an issue, as predicted (despite vast amounts of coffee)
– Occasional bouts of short-temper (oddly spikes when people give half-informed advice on dieting, hmm)
– A general lack of fulfilment, though I maintain self-discipline is good for the soul
Of course the positives are only really relevant if I can keep this up. Dukan isn’t a fad diet in the traditional sense, in that it is a prolonged commitment, not a quick fix. It only becomes a fad diet if you give up after part one. Phase two, I fear, will be the hard bit. Stand by for a meltdown.
* It should be mentioned at this point that this is not the cheapest diet. You could try existing on value ham but I’d wager you’ll last about 36 hours before giving up. Better to make what you do eat as pleasurable as possible. Furthermore, depending on what sort of lifestyle you lead, of course, cutting out alcohol should save you a fair amount of money, as will the inevitable lack of jollies to eat out.
Best of luck, James. I can’t decide if you’re brave or crazy!
Part of me wonders how similar the results would be just from cutting out alcohol? Not that I’m suggesting you were that much of a lush, but just thinking out loud…
I need to get my willpower out of the deep dark well into which it’s fallen and drowned and do something about my own lard, preferably enough to reduce the hip, neck and shoulder problems a bit.
I’d have thought it would make a huge difference, yes. The thing is if one is eating normally then a good meal needs wine, non? So best go cold turkey. For me, anyway. Need to be strict on myself, but horses for courses.
I don’t like wine, so that’s not an issue for me… or beer, so doubly easy…
I do need to lose some lard though. “Some” being a varying figure between one and 100 tonnes, at any given moment.
damn you for losing weight!
I think you (and Dukan) are absolutely insane but I’m loving reading about the process and following your thoughts on Twitter 🙂
Oh I’m not the only food writer to be dieting then ! For some god knows lunatic reason I agreed to diet every week for a whole year and to be weighed in every week on my Radio show …live. Just the 120,000 people listening in. Actually I still can’t get over it. I must be flipping nuts. Public dieting? Live Weigh in? Oh god what have I done. … ( breath … )
Good to see I’m not the only one going public though!
I’m trying on Rosemary Conley for size . ( no pun intended ) So now I’ve read your post .. and I see Edd Kimber is doing a week’s juice Detox too .. I will blog about it too. I’m so dammed hungry.
Good luck.
x
I too purchased the Dukan Diet book and hoped it would be “the one” eating plan that I would really love. Unfortunately I’m not fond of the majority of the meats he recommends, and I don’t eat livers, etc. so it remains at the back of my book self with a few other castaways….
Delighted you are doing this – although India Knight’s version of the diet is easier and kinder – as it’s about time someone came up with some gorgeous and inspiring low carb recipes. NB Day 5 is a lowpoint, apparently…
Try the Harcombe diet. Much easier to maintain as you can have lots of vegetables and so don’t feel so bored or deprived. No booze though and no coffee. I guess its a trade-off.
Well Done! I love the Dukan Diet I lost 2 stone on it for my wedding and I have kept it off, it’s the best diet I have ever done!! Keep drinking the water though, Eau de ketones is not a nice smell…! xxxx
I was inspired by the news that you were doing Dukan to take it up myself. Since I have neither talent nor imagination, I’ve so far been subsisting on low fat yoghurt and M+S packs of chicken and possibly-forbidden ham. The highlight is the fact that I seem to be allowed as many skinny cappuccinos as I like – although I think the chocolate sprinkles might count as cheating.
I am on Dukan.
Worrying side effect I have noticed is a strange Euphoric state – I feel like protein is running through my veins like heroine runs through Pete Doherty.
I am on day 5 and having discovered sugar free jelly I am in heaven. This diet feels like I am on holiday. My wallet also feels like its on holiday too…
Its Friday night and I want wine – how can we be detered?
Did you manage to resist?! J
You’ve inspired us to try this next week…want to get rid of the January ‘bloat face’. Come over and say hi…if you like… thedalstonyears.wordpress.com