Well, I’ve made it seven whole days on the Dukan diet without once, at least to my knowledge, buckling. There has been the odd vodka and slimline tonic, though I think that, like counting cards or masturbating on an airplane, is merely frowned upon. It’s not verboten. I’ve lost 9lb and still have at least a portion of willpower left to see this through.
At this point I should perhaps state that my opinion of diets hasn’t really changed. I still think they’re silly. I think they make one unhappy – or in this case a vacillating combination of deeply miserable and giddily chipper – and I think broadly speaking they are, as the detractors say, doomed to fail.
Everyone loves to give their tuppenceworth about diets (or in the case of this blog a platform to chuck in at least a fiver). The most consistent suggestions goes something like: “if you want to lose weight just eat less and exercise more.” I’ve said it myself. It is of course true. But it is also like saying to an alcoholic, “just have one glass of wine a day.” People don’t work that way. If you have the self-discipline to follow the eat less/exercise more approach, then good on you.
I don’t, and for all the mood swings, the self-imposed ostracism, the denial, the strange guilt-ridden dreams, and the shadowy sense that this is all a bootless vanity, the ephemeral shortcomings are worth it if the end result is a healthier, happier human being. Furthermore, and as I have said before, I think it is no bad thing to deny oneself some of life’s pleasures from time to time.
The first day of the ‘Cruise’ stage – involving alternating protein only days with protein and veg days, not becoming a Scientologist and hiding in a closet (although at times hiding in a closet is quite appealing) – brings such elation you’ll think the smallest bean the greatest morsel to ever pass your lips. Balls to seasonality, you just want fresh, crunchy greens.
I fell on the vegetable aisle like a sea lion on another sea lion who may or may not be trying to boff the sexy young sea lion lady. A stir fry of prawns, mange touts, spring onions, shiitake, garlic, soy and fish sauce almost made me weep with joy, though it could have done with chillies – which for some reason I thought, being a fruit, were a no-no (they’re not) – and peanuts (which are), but my god man…it erased the previous five days quicker than a very nervous person with an etchasketch.
Dinner, a simple chilli – though let me tell you the sweet taste of tomato was a treat in itself – with aubergine gunge and peppers, was an ethnically confused affair but worked perfectly well. Roast halved pepper and an aubergine in a very hot oven (250C) for 20 minutes while your chilli bubbles away. Skin the aubergine and mash with 0% yoghurt, lemon juice, garlic, and parsley. Stuff the peppers with the chilli and lob on the aubergine mess.
I leave it to you, dear reader, to tell me when you’re bored of my wanging on about this Dukan nonsense, and I’ll talk about something else. Like how at the supper club last night my sister managed to get locked in the bathroom for two hours.