I went to the doctor yesterday. Bad news I’m afraid. Apparently I might be lactose intolerant.

For as long as I can remember I have carried a handkerchief as a result of my nose running endlessly. Last year I’d had enough, and went to the doctor to try and work out what was wrong with me. My septum was so deviated from various bashes that my right nostril was pretty much closed up, on top of which I had several polyps, little mucus producing gribblers, taking up residence in my nose – sexy, yes? In June I had the septum straightened and the polyps removed. This made little or no difference.

So yesterday I went to a complementary medicine clinic where I had my toe prodded to see what I was allergic to. As feared, I was told to avoid dairy completely for 4 weeks and see what happens. That means no milk, no butter, no cheese, no fun. Breakfast is a complete nightmare – no cereal, obviously. No butter on toast – I am quite fond of Tahini as a good alternative but there is only so much peanut butter (Tahini’s 1st cousin) and jam a man can eat. No yoghurt and muesli, no tea with milk in it. Lunch is more manageable. Indeed as I write there is a carrot and coriander soup bubbling away next door. But no swirl of cream on top of that for the Larder Lout.

It’s the cheese that I’m really, really going to miss. Cheese on toast for lunch, generous snowdrifts of Parmesan on a bowl of pasta, a chunk of maturest cheddar and a nip of peaty whisky on a cold night, oozy bits of brie flopping lazily on hunks of french bread whilst sitting in the August sun with a cold glass of rose. Were this parchment I was writing on and not a blog, it would be stained with my teardrops.

So I’m in a bit of quandary guys, and urgently needing cooking suggestions. It’s not that I relied on dairy products before particularly, it’s just that now I’m not allowed them, they’re all I can think about. The only upside is the benefit to my health. No dairy for a month, coupled with being off beer and cider for lent should do wonders…

So people, throw some thoughts my way – you, friends, family with the same problem, fave recipes, when you stop having cheese nightmares, that kind of thing…would be good to know.

Ciao for now.